Monday, April 25, 2005

Going Off the Deep End with the Government Dope

I just discovered a manifesto taped to my front door. The manifesto was addressed to “Head of Household,” and while I prefer “Lady of the House,”* I’ll answer to “Head of Household.” I opened it up to find two pages of single-spaced, free-ranging typewritten ramblings, authored by an anonymous “36 year resident of inner Northeast Portland, Or. who knows [his] nieghborhood [sic] like the back of [his] hand.” The whole thing is very unfocused and 'noid, but as near as I can tell, the guy is trying to spread the word about some sort of government conspiracy to hook people on drugs. An excerpt:

Onto the scanning electron microscope. There are no viroses [sic] to look at or show to a judge. What they have in books can be drummed up in any basic black and white lab, but there are no physical viroses [sic] to be viewed with the electron microscope. Magic Johnson was to give people hope and get them off narcotics because people went off the deep end with the government dope. They thought they were dying anyway. They get congestive heart failure, which has similar symptoms of pneumonia, fluids in the lungs. They don’t eat, then we end up with a quilt. Ryan White could have died from any childhood disease. Freddy Mercury was a smoker and Paul Glasers’ wife, cancer maybe? Their son any childhood disease. It’s rare but it does happen. Easy E, the rap star, who knows? What are you going to believe? What they can’t show you with an electron microscope or TV? Government pumping out narcotics. I just wouldn’t know why they came up with aids [sic] and Hepatitis C.

I think my favorite non sequitur is "They don't eat, then we end up with a quilt."

Apparently, the Bank of America is somehow involved in this conspiracy (specifically a person named Pam), as is the City of Gresham and Oxford and Cambridge universities:

There were some people with PHD’s from Oxford, Harvard, and in this case where there’s Oxford there’s Cambridge, who were involved in this cover-up also. Bank of America. these PHDr’s, FBI, local news media in Portland, Or., people in the government of Gresham, Or., and the CIA all think they’re slick, but they’re not slicker than me, a tenth grade GEDr who hooked it into a bank. And look around! Drug trafficking and entrapment is still going on!!!

The manifesto eventually peters out, ending with a motley bunch of phone numbers. If you need the phone number for the British Embassy or the City of Gresham, just let me know.

I’m glad I was chosen to receive the manifesto,** even though I am unable to fully comprehend its message. I wish it would have come with one of those “Keep Portland Weird” bumper stickers. I really should get one of those.

*Not really.
**I wasn't the only one. I actually saw the guy distributing them up and down the street yesterday. I just assumed he was leaving chimney sweep coupons (or similar). I think it was very wise of me not to go to the door.


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