The Unkindest Donuts of All

Does this or does this not look like the product of a technicolor yawn? I’m always slightly horrified by Fred Meyer’s bakery section, but these donuts are beyond grotesque. Those are M&Ms and jelly beans on that one donut. And is that mustard frosting?

Here’s the sad thing. I know exactly how these donuts came to be. Portland is home to the self-proclaimed, “world famous” Voodoo Doughnuts. They feature some pretty far-out donuts like the “blood”-filled chocolate-covered voodoo doll, the cream-filled cock-n-balls, and the Cap’n Crunch (with Crunchberries!) donut.

The irony and cleverness that is lovingly baked into the Voodoo Doughnuts* is missing entirely from the Fred Meyer malignancies. But someone at Fred Meyer thought that slapping some frosting containing a lethal dose of food coloring on their lousy yeast-raised** donuts and then sprinkling them with a random assortment of candies would be good enough to put a serious dent in Voodoo’s business.

And maybe they can. Because the most frightening thing of all is that there were only 4 of these babies left on a tray that probably holds about 24. Who on Earth can be buying and (shudder) eating them?

*I should note that the Voodoo Doughnuts are excellent, super-yummy cake donuts. They’re made with high-quality ingredients and they’re fresh. Fresh and fun.

**How I detest a yeast-raised donut! The way it collapses as soon as you bite into it (sometimes before you bite into it). There's no substance or flavor to it! And invaribably there's a pool of sticky sweet glaze or frosting pooled in one of the shallow collapsed areas that makes eating it (not that I'd ever do such a thing) a messy, unpleasant ordeal.