Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Big Sexy Waste of Money

I am eternally on a quest to give my fine, limp hair more curl, body, and loft. Actually, I’ve been quite happy with a rather ludicrously named product: TIGI Headbanger Way-out Wax for Rock Stars. However, it costs $19.99 a can. The Scotswoman in me, of course, bristles at shelling out that much brass for a hair product. When I ran out of Headbanger the other day, I was just going to just buy another can, but I couldn’t help but notice that there were many other “volumizing” products on the shelves at Fred Meyer.

Dazzled by the glittering promises, I ending up buying something called Big Sexy Hair: Property of Michael O’Rourke. I have no idea who this O’Rourke jaboney is or what his credentials in the hair-care world may be. I do know this, though, Big Sexy promised volume in three different languages: volume total, volument mayor, and totalles volumen. I got sucked right in by the Europeaness and high-end salony-ness of the product, not to mention the more attractive price of $13.99 for a huge, honking, metallic-red phallus of product.

I used the stuff this morning. Turns out that it is nothing more than a wussy species of '80s-style mousse. And it smells like freakin’ Aquanet! And it does nothing for du volume a la coiffure—at least not for my coiffure.

Will I never learn my lesson? That Headbanger stuff really does rock (as advertised)—and I should face facts and acknowledge that, given what I have to work with, I am never going to achieve Liz Taylor-impersonator-style volume. (Not that that’s really the look I’m going for!) Plus, though Headbanger is spendy, it lasts such a long time, it works out (according to my crude calculations) to about 16 cents a go. Moral: Cheese-paring always ends up biting you in the arse.

Big Sexy will now be relegated to the Drawer of Rejected and Abandoned Products and will have to make friends as best it can with Vidal Sassoon Color-Secure Pre-Wash Spray, Olay Complete Defense Daily UV Moisturizer (SPF 30), and Avalon Therapeutic Mint Thyme Revitalizing Shampoo (56% Organic). Unless, of course, I can unearth the receipt (whereabouts currently unknown) and convince Fred Meyer to give me a refund for that can of false promises.


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