Guilty Pleasure Smorgasbord
I am still in deep retreat from reality, as my recent, very self-absorbedly Rozanne-o-centric posts will attest. Clearly, I’m not the only one in denial, judging by the thickets of Kerry-Edwards signs still extant on Portland lawns.
Anyway. While keeping reality at arm’s length, my thoughts have naturally turned to food, specifically, foods that are of the type you probably shouldn’t eat in quantity and that may induce guilt (and embarrassment) because A) they contain staggering amounts of preservatives, dyes, artificial flavors, carcinogens, etc.; B) they have a nutritional value at or below zero; C) they are a type of food most adults won’t admit to eating; D) all of the above.
My Smorgasbord:
Please believe that I do not eat crap like this on anything like a regular basis (apple fritters excepted), but should I need it, I now have a suitable Doomsday menu.
Anyway. While keeping reality at arm’s length, my thoughts have naturally turned to food, specifically, foods that are of the type you probably shouldn’t eat in quantity and that may induce guilt (and embarrassment) because A) they contain staggering amounts of preservatives, dyes, artificial flavors, carcinogens, etc.; B) they have a nutritional value at or below zero; C) they are a type of food most adults won’t admit to eating; D) all of the above.
My Smorgasbord:
- Tater tots. These double-deep-fried wonders would likely be what I’d request as my final meal if I were on Death Row.
- Bacon. Heck, all foods that were once swine (except pork rinds).
- Tastee Freez twinkle cone. A twinkle cone is dipped in this stuff. If you’ve never heard of a twinkle cone, it’s because you’re a grown-up with a sophisticated palate.
- Eggrolls. Why is it that an order of eggrolls never contains more than two?
- Apple fritters and their close relatives, including the cherry fritter and the custard-filled apple fritter. (NB: The bakery that sells the custard-filled apple fritter is out of business. Draw your own conclusions.)
- Jell-O instant chocolate pudding. Try it with Cool Whip!
- Burgerville’s Colossal Burger. This is the one with American cheese--not the one with Tillamook cheddar, which is for gourmands. I believe that a large splotch of Miracle Whip graces each patty as well. Might as well throw in the very guiltworthy Mocha Perk milkshake and an order of Walla Walla onion rings.
- Pringle’s potato chips. Counterfeit and delicious.
- Pillsbury “Grands” flaky biscuits. The crowning achievement of the food-processing industry and the most perfect butter vehicle ever invented. To eat: Separate thin layers of biscuit; insert pat of butter between each layer; have heart attack.
Please believe that I do not eat crap like this on anything like a regular basis (apple fritters excepted), but should I need it, I now have a suitable Doomsday menu.
posted by Rozanne at 11:59 PM
10 Comments:
We all have our food foibles. I personally adore Angus Thickburgers, Hawaiian Punch and Krispy Kreme jelly donuts (not all together, of course).
I like the sound of this Burgerville thing...
Wow, Jamie, Hawaiian Punch and Krispy Kreme. Both at once would probably result in instant diabetes, I'd think.
You know, it is almost possible to convince oneself that eating at Burgerville can be a guilt-free experience. Their hamburgers are made from grass-fed Oregon cattle; they use local ingredients whenever possible (e.g., fresh huckleberry shakes, Walla Walla onion rings, Tillamook cheese); and they recycle. Oh yeah, the shakes have a dollop of whipped cream on top! They are fabulous!
Didn't you have Portland Punch as a kid, at birthday parties? It's this deep purple stuff you have to dilute, I think it might be marionberry flavor.
I always loved the special sauce at Nick's Footlong Hotdogs in Milwaukie.
And I still miss Henry Thiele's.
I didn't grow up in Portland, so missed out on Portland Punch. I'm sure I would have enjoyed the vaguely chemistry set aspect of having to dilute it to make it drinkable.
I've not eaten at Nick's or Henry Thiele's. Am I a loser or what? One summer ago, however, I did stand in line for 90 minutes in the broiling sun to get a Top Notch Burger from the long-defunct Yaw's. They were serving them for one day only to raise money for...something (I forget what).
I've very recently discovered a new guilty pleasure (to me), which is the Taco Bell Quesadilla. Unreal cheese, questionable meat, but yummy nonetheless. But your list looks very good as well.
Oh, man. I read this list - and my 'brought from home' lunch looks totally unappealing now.
Miracle Whip - check.
Cool Whip - check.
butter vehicles - check.
Here's one more, though. Nuke a can of canned chili. Halfway through nuking, stir in a vat of cheese - the more processed, the better. Velveeta? Sure, why not.
Eat with tortilla chips, preferably while sitting in front of a screen. Grab a beer to go with.
Perfect!
Pieman, I totally forgot to put Taco Bell on my list! It's about the only fast food place I'll eat at (aside from Burgerville). I do wish, however, that the food there cost more cuz then I'd feel a bit less trepidation about the meat they use.
Betsy, A timesaver: Use Squeez-Cheez and greatly reduce or eliminate the nuking time on that chili.
Would I be correct to read this as endorsing uncooked chili? 'Cause my wife thinks it's totally gross to see me eating it right outta the can...
Oh Rozie! I love, love, LOVE Burgerville and thankfully the prices keep me from being a regular. Except that is in August. I can not resist the Fresh Blackberry Shakes (made with local Oregon wild blackberries!). I would have 1 a day while they are in season if my waistline would permit it, which it won't! :O
And have you tried that dip for fruit made with a small jar of Marshmallow Cream and a brik of Cream Cheese? To die for!
~Kismet!
No, I don't advocate eating cold chili out of a can. I guess I didn't think that one through.
Confessions: I've been to Burgerville twice in the last week. Busy, you know. That's my excuse anyway.
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