Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Kathleen Turner's Fat Ass

To paraphrase Kathleen Turner: If you’re a woman over the age of 35, you have to decide which is the lesser of two beauty evils: a fat ass or a gaunt face. In other words, if you want a trim tushy, your face is going to pay the price by looking drawn and haggard. If you don’t want to see a cadaver stare back at you from the mirror, you’re not going to be able to plump up your face without having your bum balloon to undreamed of proportions.

As much as I’d like to say that Kathleen’s pronouncement is a load of rubbish, I am sorry to report that, at least for me, there does seem to be some truth in it. I’ve always had a thinnish sort of face, and lately it seems to me to be getting quite hatchet-like, despite my amping up of the Meg Ryan hairstyle with generous blasts of Headbanger Way-Out Wax for Rock Stars in an attempt to divert attention from the wizened lower half of my face. It’s not working too well.

I believe Kathleen opted for the fat-ass option.

Should I? No. I am a normal, healthy weight and deliberately trying to make myself fatter would be foolhardy and potentially a health risk. Plus, what if I just ended up with a broader backside and still had the thin face? That would totally suck! Really, it’s so ridiculous to spend even a nanosecond of my time worrying about looking slightly Ichabod Crane-like. I should just be grateful that I’m in excellent health; I’m in a good relationship; I love where I live; I have good friends; and I like my job. And I am grateful for all that. But...from time to time it does get to me that I don’t look quite as youthful as once I did--usually when I glimpse a reflection of my face in fluorescent lighting. I look like I’ve just spent the past seven months crossing the Great Plains in a prairie schooner with nothing to sustain me but rattlesnake and white lightning. OK. I’m exaggerating, but my point is: fluorescent light is the unkindest light of all and, in my opinion, should be outlawed. Aside from making everyone look peaked and liverish, it reminds me of all the most depressing places on Earth: school classrooms, laundromats, dentist’s offices, and currency exchanges.


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