Wednesday, January 05, 2005

Bloody Hell!

If you’re a guy, you may want to turn back now, because this post is going to be all about my “lady time”--a term invented by a friend's father who was too embarrassed to ever utter the word menstruation. If that makes you squirmy or nervous--well, there are blogs about power tools you might like to visit right about now. (Note my sexist assumption that only guys would be turned off by a post about the monthly bill--but I’m going ahead with it because, dammit, I feel crappy and raggedy, and I want everyone to know it!)

Last night I got slammed with the worst menstrual cramps I have experienced in my 20+ years in the business. I wasn’t quite to the point of writhing on the floor, but I was very tempted to let out a few piteous moans--in part to gain sympathy from B, but also because I thought it might do me some good. I refrained because it was, after all, 1:30 AM and B was asleep. Instead I lay in bed in a modified fetal position, heating pad clasped to the offending parts. From time to time, the constant heavy, dull pain would turn sharpish and travel all the way down the backs of my legs and settle into my feet. I was fairly miserable.

Around 2:45 AM, I got the genius idea of taking some Ibuprofen. Doh! Clearly, the pain had blunted my ability to think rationally, or I would have remembered how well this stuff works. Vitamin I--I love you! The cramps slowly dissipated, and I was able to get a few hours of sleep.

I am still feeling quite out of sorts, despite taking six tablets of Ibuprofen in the last 18 hours or so. This is not normal for me--usually I endure a day or two of mild ickiness that, I know, is really quite low on the scale of potential ickiness. (Of course, that has never stopped me from grousing at full tilt every single time I'm flying the red flag!)

I have a few theories about why Aunt Flo is such a bitch this time around. A) The frickin’ thing was three weeks late. Could it be a miscarriage? I really don’t think there is any way I could have been pregnant, but I suppose--no matter how reliable the method of birth control--it’s always possible. B) I have been on a high-fat, high-salt, high-sugar food binge for the past six weeks. Can I really believe that there wouldn't be any repercussions? Really, I haven’t been very nice to my body lately. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if this is its way of trying to make me see reason. C) Is this the dreaded perimenopause--the transitional phase that precedes menopause during which a woman’s hormones start getting all whacked out in preparation for getting even more whacked out during menopause? I think I’m far too young for that, but I seem to remember some medical professional assuring (not the word I’d use) me that some women go though menopause at the age of 35! (Note to self: Fact check medical professional's "assurance" when feeling better.)

If I had to lay money on my theories, I’d go with B), which is why I’m going to leave the house right this minute and go out and buy myself a healthy stir-fry (too drained and cranky to cook) and replenish my supply of tampons and Advil (both running dangerously low). I will be wearing sweat pants and a scowl.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

You have my sincere sympathy (and empathy).

- Jane

9:27 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ha! But Ha! in a good way - not in a "hey I'm laughing at your pain way!"

I am lucky, although I have worse cramps when I am not taking the pill (and a horribly long, 8-day cycle) I have never had bad, bad, bad cramps that caused me to use a heating pad or rub my feet together.

I rub my feet together to soothe myself when I am in pain. How whacked is that?

Anyway - I admire you writing about it and allowing me to laugh at your pain. AND I hope you feel better soon.

I'm sure it was the diet. My face has been torturing me for the same reason.

And So It Goes

9:28 PM  
Blogger Cagey said...

I wish all men could have just one single period. Just one, that's all. Then, maybe they would have some concept of the pain we go through every month.

8:00 AM  
Blogger Diana said...

Wine. It's the ONLY thing that works on my cramps. Unfortunately, it's difficult to drink wine all day if you've got obligations in the world. But once you're home for the night - hit the wine. Works every time.

10:27 AM  
Blogger Rozanne said...

I propose we raise a toast with a Jumbopak of Kotex Lightdays to making it through the wet season each month.
Jane, Thanks for your commiseration--much appreciated!

Denise, Rubbing your feet together? I wonder if that's a relic from infancy. Maybe I should try it.

Cagey, You know, despite my implication that guys wouldn't want to read this post, I have to say that B at least is pretty sympathetic. He doesn't have a problem buying tampons for me and has been known to bring me chocolate or ice cream if I act miserable enough.

Diana, If only I could go the wine route. Unfortunately, drinking a glass of wine (even a small one) during my period pretty much guarantees I will get a migraine. Such a drag.

12:25 PM  
Blogger Rozanne said...


I don't know what Blogger did with your comment. It was e-mailed to me, but it never showed up here on the site. I will be adding "surfing the crimson tide" to my quiver of period-related terms. One can never have enough.

9:24 PM  

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