Number One With a Bullet

Eight short days ago, I posted a photo on Flickr of Amy Sedaris half in and half out of a pair of pantyhose. That photo has now been viewed 613 times. That’s 69 more views than its nearest rival, the teddy bear spanking the doll—a photo that's been up for about a year and a half.

I am forced to conclude that most of the “popular” photos in my Flickr photostream are not being admired because of my artistry with a camera.

Last summer I received definitive proof of this when some wanker sent me an e-mail through my Flickr account about that photo I’d posted of my feet in a pair of hoofy-looking sandals. He informed me that he’d very much like to suck and lick my toes. Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew!

EW!!!!!!!

I immediately made that photo not searchable on Flickr. Its popularity plummeted. Good.

Even before I did that, however, it had a much smaller following than the pantyhose photo. Why is pantyhose so pervophilic? I don’t get it. I can’t think of an article of clothing more uncomfortable and hateful than pantyhose. What does it have going for it?

• If I wear it in cold weather, it makes my legs even colder.
• If I wear it in hot weather, it makes my legs even hotter.
• The waistband is about the right size for a Barbie doll and wreaks havoc on my digestion.
  
• The ding-dong things ususally get runs in them before I even get them all the way out of the packaging.
• The crotch is forever attempting to descend to hell, although it usually only makes it to about mid-thigh.
• Pantyhose manufacturers try to pass off “nude” as a legitimate color.*
• If I were to wear pantyhose on a plane and I somehow caught on fire (it could happen), I'd die a death 20 times more horrible than if I'd not been wearing pantyhose.
• The texture of pantyhose makes my fingernails freak out.
  

Clearly, pantyhose has no right to exist.

But what should I do about this unwanted attention on my Flickr stream? I really don’t want a bunch of lizard milkers flocking to my photos. I’ve pretty much decided to remove the Amy Sedaris photo—it’s a little iffy copyrightwise whether I should have even posted it. I think it qualifies as fair use, but it's certainly not really fair to Amy.

By the way, no one guessed that the Humpty Dumpty was a major perv magnet, but it is puzzlingly popular (although nowhere near being in the pantyhose league). Why? I don’t think I want to know.

*In I Like You, there are lots of doctored-up photos of retro pantyhose packages. One of the colors they come in is “dung.” Highly accurate.