Wednesday, December 05, 2007

While Waiting for the Coffee to Brew...

I called the chocolate orange 800 number again this AM while I was waiting for my coffee to brew. I had a few minutes, so whyever not? It didn't turn out to be the laff riot I'd hoped for, but here's my report anyway.

First, the customer service person asked me if I was sure the chocolate orange was a Kraft product. She'd never heard of it. She made me read the bar code on the package to her--twice. Then she asked me to "bear with her" while she went to look up some product info on the chocolate orange. After a few minutes, she came back on the line and told me that the chocolate orange was a chocolate product shaped like an orange that when unwrapped "falls" into slices like an orange. Not exactly 100% accurate. But that wasn't the information I was looking for. I insisted that she give me some guidance about proper whacking protocol, and she was forced to abandon whatever printout she had in front of her and use her own noggin to come up with an answer. In short, she had to wing it! I'm sure Kraft discourages that, but what else could she do? I think at that point I was a pretty convincing "tough customer." And the customer is always right, so I had her over a barrel!

After giving it a few moments of thought, she suggested I just pound the orange on the table. Since the phone call wasn't as mirth producing as I had hoped, I floated the idea that maybe I should bash it with a hammer. I just wanted to see if she'd at least chuckle at the thought of that, but she quickly dismissed that suggestion (with a touch of derision, I thought). Lighten up! I don't know what to do with people who are entirely without a sense of the absurd.

Anyway, I suppose it could be argued that I was wasting her time, just yanking Kraft's chain, but if Kraft is going to slap an 800 number on every ding-dong thing they manufacture—especially something with the slogan "Whack & Unwrap!"—then I say they've got it coming to them! (Is it any wonder that I count Consumer Joe as one of the funniest books I've ever read?) Plus, have I not helped her do her job better? The next time someone calls with a question about the chocolate orange (and we are in the heart of chocolate orange season, after all), at least she'll know what it is...for crissake!

I was just about to hang up when she got all perky and tried to badger me into allowing Kraft to harangue me with phone calls and send me all sorts of Kraft Krap, like e-mail updates about E-Z Cheez. But I politely declined. And guess what? They'll never be able to track me down because I gave a fake name!!!! I am quite clever.



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